Dramatics, A Chase Scene, And Here You Can Have It Just Don't Kill Me

[amarissia]

Do excuse the recent dramatics, dears. And if I should up and disappear yet again, please forgive that too. Things are inwardly tumultuous right now, as I've reached a time in which I need to decide what direction my life will be taking, at least for the time being. Until now, it's been difficult, a cornucopia of anxiety/depressive disorders coupled with an autism spectrum disorder will do that, but now I'm facing real change. The kind that could be good eventually, could lead maybe to the kind of life I wanted as a child, before I lost my ability to interact with people in any other way but this.

But change always hurts. Nothing is born without pain. If I thought I was ever stressed before, the pure uncertainty all around me now is...let's just say it's a miracle I haven't taken to hiding in the laundry room. I do a good Boo Radley, but that time is past. I want to break free of the cycle that's held me since I was a little girl and actually do what's best for me, even if I have to do it alone. Again, it's just hard. I don't want to just stay like this. But at the same time, it's always tempting to stay still, where all is familiar, at least. Possibility calls to me from ahead, ghosts pull at me from behind. Is this a good enough excuse for floundering and being such an erratic writer/updater lately? :)

I really don't know what's going to happen. I hope it won't end up including any more time away from you guys. Just typing this, I can feel my stomach start to untie the knot that's been in it for far too long, and after the nice long break I gave them, the Choir is around me again, and they actually seem rather happy to be so. Well, Zack is complaining that I put Loveless on for them again, and Angeal is pretending to agree when he's not even looking at the screen. Sephy is cuddling his favorite living Chocobo plushie, content but thoughtful as he analyzes everything, and Cloud is waving his fingers and pretending to catch imaginary butterflies. Genesis is...ruining the moment. And another pair of pants. Gaia, you'd think he'd at least take off the expensive leather first. If time away from me has made the rest of the Choir more mellow, it's made Genesis even more difficult than before. A short while ago, I summoned my scattered Choir with their homing devices and found Genesis prancing around with something that Zack was, in tantrum-mode, trying to take from him. After a chase that probably looked like some sort of demented ballet, I retrieved the offending object and found that it was the work of my dear Pixeled, a lovely bit of yum she made back in the 'Madness' days:

Lovely, no? Apparently Genesis made copies.

Genesis: "And gave them to my fan club."

And gave them to his - what?

Zack: *whines*
Angeal: *pets*
Amarissia: *has finally updated*

EDIT: Thank you, dears.

Comments

[slovu.livejournal.com]

Good to have you back. :) And seriously, don't worry about updating or anything like that. When you can't, you can't, and we're not such jerks that we don't realize that. Also, if real life keeps slamming you in the face like this, please give me its address to I can go beat it up for you.

That being said: UPDATE!! *grabs update, runs into corner, and snuggles it* Aww, Seph, you're so cute. The hints that Sephiroth will end up choosing Lazard (if he chooses at all) are getting anvil-sized, which makes me worry for Genesis. And Zack wins an award for being the most clueless fifteen-year-old ever. I honestly think Angeal overreacted, though; a baby SOLDIER is still a SOLDIER, and those guys wouldn't have been able to say anything more overt without Zack cluing in and getting out of there, at which point none of them would have been able to stop him. Also, the cliffhanger is evil. I want it to be Angeal, but it's probably just going to be another creep, or a more physical manifestation of the shoorei. :(

[karadin.livejournal.com]

Just remember your friends online are people you can vent to, as well as share fandom stuff with, don't cut off your lines of support, wherever they may be.

[ardwynna-m.livejournal.com]

*hug* Don't stress it, we've all been there. Life first, fandom later, it's how it should be and one makes a great escape from the other. ;D

[psilverswirl.livejournal.com]

I don't know if this will help or not, but I want to assure you you're not alone. When you have traumatic life experiences, mild disorders that cause social dysfunction or fears, or both, the end result is the same: isolation, which for many of us who fall into this category means our only real means of social interaction is the internet. I used to be very ashamed that the internet was quite literally my entire social life, but I'm not anymore and, instead, am merely grateful I live during the internet era. I'm probably one of your oldest fans at 33 years of age; I got my first real internet hookup in '96 (though I was subscribed to a local BBS for a year before that) and the reality is that before I had internet I spent a lot of time isolated in my room, reading. Isolation in pre-internet days was total in the sense that there was no human interaction of any kind. I would not like to think where I would be today without the webbernet, and I would like to think that it does confer great benefits to those with social trauma (my case) or disabilities. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed about issues you didn't ask for, know you are NOT alone, and please don't be afraid to come back here to spend time where it's safe and familiar as you work on expanding your IRL horizons.

I would also like to discuss your Choir with you via email, if you'd care to do so. I would like to compare notes as your choir seems to have quite a bit of substance to them...

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you. That really does make me feel better.

Discuss away, you can find me at amarissia81@hotmail.com!

[icewolf89.livejournal.com]

Yaayz for the update! It made my night. I already reviewed it x3

It's good to hear from you again ^^ You're life is more important now, so don't worry about updates. And if anyone complains just tell us who and ask Angeal if he can lend me his buster sword for some minutes....
Yes, it's very difficult to change and move forward. It's hard but it's worthy, so I hope everything turns out ok for you. I'm sure you have the strength you need to do it ^^ After all, you can tame the choir...

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

Did you just quote Angeal at me? :) Thank you.

[white-jenna.livejournal.com]

Lovely chapter, sweetie. :)
Tired and scatterbrained, so just wanted to send best wishes your way for the future. *hugs*

[freyathedark.livejournal.com]

Welcome back! Life does suck sometimes, don't it? And while I can't say I know what you're going through, I'd like to extend my sympathies for your troubles. And just remember, we're all here for you.

Glad to hear that the Choir's doing fine too <3 Also glad to see that rabid fangirls have yet to track down Angeal and kill him for the work of his alter-ego XD

[ladygunblade.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about it at all! If you need breaks, take them, and take it easy! We'll be here when you need us! ♥
Believe me I know how difficult change is, it's the one thing I'll probably never get used to. Just relax, and take your time. Uncertainty is a royal pain in the arse, especially combined with having to make difficult decisions.

I just hope everything'll work out for you, and like I said, just take it easy :)

Mega-hugs to you and the Choir ♥

[kel-fish.livejournal.com]

I... hmm. My rut is nothing severe, but I'm stuck in a place right now where I'm just... clinging to what I know, where I know, even though I'm certain that things'll get better if I just get out there. Something I'm not new to, I mean, I've always hated change, making friends was a nightmare for me when I knew I'd end up being close with them and not just people I talked to when I was around them, jobs are nervewracking.

Anyway, enough from my end, I was just trying to say I might be able to understand you on some level, maybe, and that it's nice hearing from you and yours in any capacity, and I hope you find a way to unravel more of that knot and find a way for you that works.

[monalovely.livejournal.com]

Don't worry about us, honey. We're all backing you up :D

You're wonderful and should take care of yourself first before.

<3 Eat cake and have some cuddles *hugs, gives plushies and cake*

much love!!

[key-of-ra.livejournal.com]

RL is a bitch, I know. *hugs* You need no more reason for not updating. If you ever need someone to listen while you rant I'm more than happy to do so. Or kill whatever is bothering you in a sneaky Turk way. *grins* Probably via poisoned bakery goods. I suck at baking anything except lemon bars. ^-^ *laughs and offers a large batch of edible goodies*

Update is update, and Aya is happy.
Seriously, though, I've got a shovel and I'm ready to use it. It /and/ Kiisa's PVC pipe.

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

Shovels are marvelous. They have a thousand uses, like duct tape.

*hoards lemon bars* Genesis says you can trade them to our mostly-unseen Turks for low-level classified information, but I think he's learned not to get between me and baked goods. :)

[key-of-ra.livejournal.com]

Really? You like my lemon bars? *grins* Yay! And, of course, we can't forget the Turks too. *offers another batch* Have all you like.
If you want the recipe I can give it to you. *grins*

Shovels are a brilliant invention. As is duct tape. *shows off duct tape bracelet*

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

*noms* Ooh, I wonder if this enough to find out what Tseng's real name is...or even if Tseng is a first or last name.

Uh, Seph wants to know how Reno is doing. I don't suppose I need to mention that he's making his evil face. :)

[key-of-ra.livejournal.com]

I'm not telling. ^-^ That's a Turk secret.

Reno is... *looks* ...gone. Shit. *pokes head out of coffee room* Anyone seen Zacky?

Elena: Nope.
Rude: ...
Cissnei: Not today.
Tseng: Why does it matter?

Reno is missing.

All Turks: Shit.

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

*wonders if Near can hack into the Turk database again...uh, not again. For the first time. Honest.*

It's not good if Reno is missing, is it? Have you checked all the bars? I'll check the Closet, just in case Sephy got ahold of him...

[robonun.livejournal.com]

I am probably not the best person to talk to about getting along with Real Life, since Real Life has been treating me the same way that Sherman treated Atlanta. In the end, you have to do what makes you happiest even if it involves some tough love to get there. The Cricket Bat of Justice and I await anyone who gives you any crap about what you write or how often you write it.

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

:) Thank you. It may sound awful, but it's comforting just to know I'm not the only one. Though of course I'd lock us all in a room full of nude Choir members and sugary beverages if I could. Ah, Paradise.

*offers a fire hose for Atlanta* Uh, careful, there may be a few trank darts hidden in there.

[x-erava-x.livejournal.com]

Yeah, change can suck. I've been struggling with a big decision that definitely could change a lot in my life and that could potentially make many someones very miserable if things go wrong. The future is always a mystery, and we never know if our decisions can make it better or worse. If you ever need to rant, we'll alway be here to support you!

On a lighter note, I realized that I haven't reviewed since before the enforced seperation of Angeal and his puppy. That's a really freaking long time. I don't think I have room for all my expressions of adulation, so I'll have to summarize.

Really, the main thing is that, as always, I ADORE your stories! Okay, the legal issues were AGH and brought on the angst like woah, but it all worked out! And the little LazardSephGen love triangle that's going on is really very sweet. Personally, if he has to end up choosing, I'm hoping it'll be Genesis (hugs to you, GenGen!), but if they could learn to share, that'd be awesome! They could have a threesome! Though I doubt Lazard is Genesis's type...Anyway, yes, the old Wutain man did give me Like a Dance flashbacks, it seems that Reno will always be an ex-whore, and there is, yet again, a weird conspiracy thing going on, but I don't think it's lack of creativity on your part. It's more like...you take elements that work and incorporate them into new things and make them better! Love the Zangeal interaction so far, though Story!Angeal does indeed need to be stabbed a few times. Or locked in a box with his Puppy for a few days. A box equipped with video cameras, of course. Zack is possibly the most naive 15-year-old the world has ever seen. Even Cloud is better than he is! All in all, awesome story, and I'll make sure to review next time for real! Take as long as you need to update! We'll all be here waiting, hell or high waters! And if anyone bugs you for updates, give me a shout and I'll be here with my ninja powers and irritable muse!

Lots of love! ^ - ^

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

:) Even the sight of your avatar makes me smile.

Thank you, on all counts. Gah, the future sucks. Except when it brings new fandom thingies. Otherwise it should just go away and take all RL with it. Yeah.

I think I need to start a Choir Member Protection Program for Angeal...although Zack has been very sweet, putting himself in front of Angeal whenever we go read reviews, since everyone's been up in arms about Commander Denial's frustrating behavior. I'm pretty sure it will continue to be frustrating for a while, or maybe get more so...I don't remember what chapter I'm up to at the moment, LOL.

Naive!Zack is fun. Even if he annoys Choir!Zack, who is also more naive than he realizes. :)

[psilverswirl.livejournal.com]

I come bearing art. I did not draw this - goddess knows I wish I could, and if I could draw like this I would never leave the house as I'd be drawing far too much FF7 smut. Le sigh. At any rate, it is one of the very best renderings of Gen I've ever seen; shirtless, wing out, pants open - with boxers up, though, this image is safe for work - but barely.

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b23/Silverpony/amazinggen.jpg

*leaves towel to soak up drool in case it becomes necessary*

[amarissia.livejournal.com]

Oh, my! Thank you! That'd certainly perk up anyone's day. :)

[katsumikg.livejournal.com]

Hello again! well, i don't think i can say much about this, since i haven't done anything about my social fears at all, only trying to run away from them, which doesn't always work, so i kinda know or imagine how you're feeling now. Just take your time, do it at a speed that is comfortable for you, if you feel that is too much sometimes try to relax, try to think about the good things that overcoming this can bring. And you can always come here to talk about this, share it with people, you don't have to come back here just to say you updated, just silly chitchat. If this is the only way you're talking to people outside right now, then don't push it away!^^
I really really hope you can feel better soon, i know it's very hard, but we're encouraging you from here! :D