Musings: On Fuzziness, Phobias and Writing

I'm rarely one to make a great deal of sense, but today I actually have an excuse. I hardly slept last night at all (I'm taking care of online stuff now so I can hopefully sleep tonight) and last night, I was plagued by some of the worst cramps ever. Rather than hurl myself out the nearest window (which is hardly useful anyway on the ground floor), I took a few muscle relaxers, which are part of my regimen anyway. And they worked. But now my head feels like a balloon that is in danger of floating away, and I'm chugging caffeine in order to stay awake. There's ukes to be traumatized, dammit.

Which brings me to a writing update. The new Decorum is up at fanfiction.net! Finally. Now I can write the fun one that's been making me giggle madly at terrified shopkeepers. And I've got time, since last night I finished chapter 44 of The Madness of Angels. All that's left is chapter 45, the epilogue, my last chance to angst the readers into heaps of sobbing fangirl. *wibble* Believe me, I'll be taking it harder than anyone when this story is over. It's become like a favorite blankie.

Which makes me think I will indeed have to dive directly into the next multi-chapter. I was gonna do the serious, Zangeal, supernatural thing...but now I'm leaning toward the possibly cheesy, vampirish Zack/Angeal/Genesis threesome thing. I mean, Genesis/Angeal/Zack. Or even Angeal/Genesis/Zack, what matters is that my favorite little victim stays on the bottom where he belongs.

Zack: "I hate you."

Even after I've given you a Decorum? I guess Zacky didn't sleep very well either.

Zack: "You gave me bad dreams about chocolate-covered Angeal."

Proving that one SOLDIER's nightmare is one (actually, many) fangirl's dream.

On to a phobia-update. My evil Kingdom Hearts guru, the lovely Scripta Lexicona, has dragged me into another new fandom. And this one is serious business. Not only am I watching anime with almost no discomfort, I'm even reading some of the manga. Manga. (If you're reading this aloud to your goldfish, people, remember to pronounce that 'n' in there separately.) Manga is like anime that doesn't move, which makes it even more suspicious. But here I am, reading it. And after six pages of confusion, I realized I was reading it in the wrong direction.

But it's all good now. Except that, as I do with my depression and anxiety, I find myself wanting to cling to those phobias. It's easy to fall into the trap of holding onto something that's not good but familiar. (Which is one reason Madness has so many readers, I assume.) Thankfully, Death Note is abundantly interesting enough to keep me going. And I keep telling myself - don't worry. It won't lead to scarier things. I won't go back to Unico (except for occasional peeks to see if it makes sense yet). I will never be a fan of Speed Racer or Sailor Moon. No offense to fans of either, they just creep me the hell out.

Anyway, so I've begun the work that I will continue in my next life, as either a Japanese (as opposed to American, though I'd like to keep my red hair) yaoi fangirl, or a hot, gay Japanese guy. Why Japan, you ask? The video games, the language, the plethora of eye candy. And yes, now the anime. But mostly all the hot tail. Right, Sephy?

Sephy-Pants: "I do not have a tail."

This post brought to you with the help of a nagging Choir, a lot of Cherry Coke and Cloud's kitten, which has climbed the chair and is now trying to do the same to my hair.